fathering: sensitivity & freedom
"our picnic photo shoot was really fun. she enjoyed herself. she was excited about doing a daddy-daughter thing. it's caused us both to plan things together now. me and her will go catch a movie or we'll do something without mom. it stregthened that bond and planted a seed in her head - like let's do this special little thing, just me and her, and make a day out of it. we plan it a week in advance so she can get excited about it, i can get excited about it, it's something to look forward to.
seeing how excited she gets makes me realize how important those small things that we can do for our kids are to them. it made me think of the times i would do special one-on-one things with my dad, how much they stuck in my head throughout the years, and how they helped form the bond i have with my dad. him making the effort meant a whole lot. planting little memories is important for their life. hopefully they realize when they have kids to do those things. it means a lot to me, i have a lot of fun doing it too.
this whole project really got me thinking. there are fathers that don't feed into doing things with their kids or their daughters, like playing with dolls. it made me realize how important it is to do those things. it will teach your daughter to break barriers of roles. what kind of father i am to my daugher is going to feed into the type of person she dates or marries. if i can show her barriers don't necessarily exist, that it's ok for men to be sensitive, for men to play dolls, dress-up, and tea parties, i think it will later in life make her more open to a sensitive man. they won’t have that 'men and women are supposed to be like and this, dad is supposed to do this, mom is supposed to do that.' it will open that up. it’s important those roles are interchangeable - to show your kids that it's ok for men, fathers, to share sensitivity. it teaches them that we don't have to play those roles if we don't want to - do what you want. i've always been the sensitive guy - if i'm to show her there is no barrier - later on in life it's going to be engrained in her that 'i'm attracted to who i'm attracted to.' it's not going to be like 'well, i'm attracted to this guy but he's sensitive, he goes to musicals!' i want whatever comes naturally - whatever the heart wants it wants. and hopefully she'll raise her kids that way - it’s a chain reaction in raising our kids.
it teaches them to listen: if inside you're saying 'i really like this or i really like this' - to be open to naturally go with that rather than being like 'well, i'm really not supposed to... i don't know what people are going to think.' and for her to accept somebody else for who they are as well. i'd rather her go through life and be attracted to people, whether its friends or relationships or anything really, it seems like it would be a lot easier for her to be open - not feeling social pressure to do certain things or not do certain things.
i think it's going to make it a lot easier on her in life. i enjoy whatever she wants to do. i think its fun. i get enjoyment from watching her get enjoyment from something, regardless of what it is. if she enjoys watching me dress up in a tutu and a tiara so be it. that's cool, ya know? i'd rather her experience that than not experience it. she might think it's silly or it's funny, but i'd rather be that guy and show her. whatever is going to be fun for her, she's going to enjoy, i'm open to.
the majority of parents i know fall on my side of the spectrum, being sensitive guys. i was raised the same way i'm raising my daughter: to be open as long as its not being disrespectful. its important for us to leave barriers open for our kids. socially you see musicians who don't play a particular gender role, guys looking 'feminine,' gay issues coming up in the public. we're finally getting to it being pointless to point your kids in a direction because eventually they're going to question it so much that you're going to have issues if you say 'this is the way you are supposed to be as a boy or as a girl.' especially in this day and age it's going to get more and more confusing for them than just leaving it open and letting them figure it out for themselves.
being in high school in the mid 90's i think it was a lot scarier for kids to explore the idea of attraction to the same sex. it's getting easier because they see more people fighting for equality between sexual preferences. i think kids are looking at it and saying 'maybe it's ok for me to feel like this.' if you're not quite thinking like everybody else it's ok. i think they're realizing - it's ok to even have 'maybe thoughts.' you don't have to make a decision quickly 'i'm on this side of the spectrum or that side of the spectrum.' it's ok to explore thoughts. it opens the doors for a little more free thinking - and people making up their own minds rather than having outside influences telling them that 'this is wrong and this is right.' they're able to answer their own questions.
regardless where they come out on that other side it's going to make them a much stronger person just for exploring those ideas and finding that, whatever they're feeling, they're going to listen to themselves. they're going to listen to their heart more than they are going to listen to outside influences - regardless what the outcome is. it's important. i hope we keep heading in that direction. it's a lot easier on our youth and everybody else.
she definitely likes playing with the girly stuff - she wants to be a princess every once in a while. she has more friends that are boys than girls. when they get together i don't see the boys having a problem playing with the stuff she wants to play with or the other way around at all.
i think it might be a little bit different raising a boy - because the difference between a girl wanting to wear boy clothes versus a boy wanting to wear girl clothes - girls are generally more accepted if that's what they want to do. sending a boy to school in a dress you're going to have issues regardless of what you think about it as a family. you have to think about how your kid is going to be treated at school or by outside influences.
if my daughter wanted a g.i. joe party that definitely would not be an issue with anybody. but with boys wanting princess stuff - people start having problems with it. even if you've got a certain amount of people saying 'it's cool, you can have a princess party' you're going to have those one or two people, whether it's his dad or friends at school - telling him 'that's not what you should be doing.' you need to be very careful - he can be scarred by that just as much as his parents saying that's not right.
i hope that as a whole, as a society, we can teach our kids that there really is no barrier. we are all on our own personal journey and for anybody to encroach on that and tell us 'what you're thinking is wrong or right' is not beneficial for our kids. i hope that as parents and as a whole we can look past that. i think we are heading in that direction."
our wholeness: an empathy and photography series honoring our diverse truths, tenderness, power.
fathering: sensitivity and freedom
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