belonging: authenticity & inclusion
i have this image of women heading off to the restroom together to be supportive of each other. one person runs out of tampons, the other person can get some. if they have to fix their makeup or outfit there's another person there to look and confirm they are doing ok. i've imagined this kind of camaraderie that i find very appealing and sensitive and interesting… a sense that i could be with somebody who is going to support me in a place where we have privacy between us.
in traditional culture women are the ones who talk about the nuances of relationships, whereas men are supposed to be stoic and only interested in sex. i never connected to that male culture. that seemed crass and abusive to me. what i did like was the idea of how relationships work in their details, their nuances, and how people feel about each other.
there is also a physical part. the sense of touch and fixing of each other. somebody says "i can't get my hair to do whatever..." "here let me try." to me that is such a heart-warming personal interaction. or somebody says "wait a minute, your tag's sticking out, let me fix that,” or "i'll zip you up," or "you've got something on your dress" and with a wet paper towel tries to get it out. i see a mutual support going on that involves touch and some expression of heartfelt feelings. i feel warm inside when i think about that. i wanted to be included in that. i wanted to feel like i could do that too.
that doesn't happen in the men's room. it doesn't happen in a male only environment until the male only environment is forced to get really close. there is some of that in a military campaign where you're being shot at - there is bonding - but that's war! you're out there to commit violence and expose yourself to complete danger - and we're saying that's when men get to connect with each other emotionally? we have to get to that extreme? please, no! thank you very much, but no.
looking back on my early life i didn't belong anywhere. there was nowhere at all for me to talk about some really highly personal things that affected me. i couldn't go to my parents, teachers, guidance counselor, or grandparents. i didn't really have friends i could talk to about intimate stuff. there were no counselors or psychologists and there was no minister or clergy. there really wasn't anyone for me to confide in about the deepest things that i felt much of the time. i was in this world where i didn't really date. i didn't belong in the group of smart kids, i wasn't athletic... i didn't feel like i was connected to other people very well.
i imagined this way of women sharing support in the women's bathroom as a unique experience in a special place... and i wanted to belong. in the photo shoot we were in a bathroom doing the kinds of things i had imagined. we helped each other, we were supportive of each other, we talked with each other, made sure each other's outfits were straightened out, and helped each other change or solve a problem.
one of the components inside of me that impacts why i go out wearing what i wear is because i really want to connect with women and it's provided me an opportunity to connect with women quite a bit. carrying a purse to the supermarket and having the woman who's at the cash register say "i really like your purse" and getting into a purse discussion - i love that! there's a sense that i'm joining the company of women by wearing what i'm wearing. it's taken me years to realize and vocalize that.
i also wear what i wear because it feels good to wear it. it's nice to go out in the summertime in a cotton dress that doesn't really have much under it except my underwear because it's cooler and i don't feel as hemmed in. i feel like i'm free walking down the street. there are some limitations, it's a tradeoff. you're not going to jump over a fence post like you can in shorts or pants.
the women who were in this photo shoot with me are both people i feel really good about. their personalities feel like the kind of attentive, connecting, mutually supportive people i would like to visit the women's room with and fix our clothing and do all those things i talked about. when the photo shoot was over i felt good about it and i was glad to have done it. the whole experience was a good one and it was like another step in my sense of self confidence.
most of the time i don't refer to myself as trans and i'm not actually living as female or presenting as a woman. i went in women's restrooms a few times i presented as a woman only when i was invited by all the women in the women's room. otherwise i don't go in women's restrooms. yes i'm a man and yes i'm between these things. i don't use gender neutral or female pronouns. i am not a gender dysphoric woman trapped in a man's body. i went through a phase of wondering if that was true about me and coming to the conclusion that i am a man wearing a dress.
my interest in starting to wear what are traditionally women's clothes came out of an intensely personal process. i didn't do it because i thought "i'm going to change the world." i did it because i wanted to do it for me. but what's happened is i have had people come up to me and say they are so glad i'm doing what i'm doing because it inspires them.
i've had youth groups where i've been an adult advisor. on occasion there are people saying ‘i'm so glad you come with you being you.’ they are inspired to be themselves more openly and more confidently. they see me doing something that clearly has taken some courage, daring, and energy to put myself out there in a way that is vulnerable and risky - and they are saying ‘if he can do it maybe i can too.’
i want to be able to drink the image of that kind of heartfelt intimate moment i was looking for and i want other people to be able to drink that image too. the first thing some people will think is ‘how odd, a man in a women's room and they are zipping up his dress. i never expected to see anything like that.’ when i am walking down the street there are people that stare at me, and you know what i think? please go ahead and stare. i have to discipline myself and not catch them because i don't want to scare them away from doing it. i hope they get the basic satisfaction of being able to look as long as they want without being shamed for it. it's natural to look long enough for your brain to integrate and find the human being. if someone interrupts then the process doesn't get to go its full distance.
one of the things i'm hoping is that people get to go through that process, whatever it is for them. they are seeing a man walking down the street wearing a nice flower print dress or whatever i've got on and they go ‘oh! look at that.’ they keep looking, and they keep looking, and they get to this point where they think ‘oh, that's not so odd after all. they are a person and they actually look good, i've just never seen anyone like them before.’ or maybe they don't like it and they think ‘i wouldn't have worn that color!’"
our wholeness: an empathy and photography series honoring our diverse truths, tenderness, power.
belonging: authenticity & inclusion
glenn c. koenig. author: "a man wearing a dress” www.messagerain.com
thank you: keith morris washington, rayellen kishbach, and jazmin miranda.
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